Cats; A Lesson In Failure

I hated Cats. I genuinely hated Cats. I had multiple moments where I was ready to leave the theater in disbelief that this movie was a estimated $95 million dollar film (not including marketing) and was this bad.

There is literally nothing, NOTHING, good about this film. I hated Cats. The fucking audacity of this film’s existence and Tom Hooper should be ashamed for having his name on this film.

So why is it bad?

Let’s start from the beginning; One night a year cats all around gather to sing and dance to show to their leader(?), Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench), why they wish to be reborn(?). On this night a new cat, Victoria (Francesca Hayward), is fucking yeeted in by a faceless human where then cats free her from the bag then start singing about the fact that she isn’t a fucking cat(?). The entire plot then goes between introducing a cat, then Macavity (Idris Elba) fucking catnapping them. There’s also another cat, Grizzabella (Jennifer Hudson), who wears a huge fur coat and every one treats her like shit till Victoria pulls her bitch ass in and makes her sing in what I could only describe as the verbal equivalent of sexual harassment. Grizzabella unceremoniously wins the opportunity to be “reborn” by involuntarily stepping into a hot air balloon and being flown off out of sight even though all she wanted was to be loved. The movie ends with Old Deuteronomy singing about how you should fucking bow down to your cat as if it fucking rules your life.

Pretty stupid right?

Let’s talk visuals;

This movie is almost as bad as watching someone hang themselves. Then different being that the person hanging themself is at least human and not a weird CGI monstrosity. From what I can tell this movie didn’t use motion capture suits for the actors. Tom Hooper was so fucking stubborn that he apparently refused to use the obvious solution to making a fuck ton of CGI overlays and instead opted to have the actors rotoscoped instead.

This results in moments where the CGI is unfinished, and you can see human hands, human feet, socks, rings, some meaty bugles, and a whole array of other things. Its something I’d expect from a student film not a multi million dollar film starring big names like Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, Idris Elba, James Corbyn, and Jennifer Hudson.

The movents of the cats are also floaty and awkward never giving you a sense of gravity to their movements, so when they make a lazy “man lands on crotch hard” joke you don’t feel it as you’ve seen the fuckers floating around as if they were in space.

You think the cats were bad in this film? You’re in for a treat, as there’s also CGI mice, humanoid of course, and hundreds CGI cockroaches, also humanoid with human faces that are brutally eaten by the cats.

Enough about the visuals. Watching the trailers is enough to make a furry burn all their fan art and fursuits and become a Christian.

Let’s talk music.

Fuck the music. Every. Single. Goddamn. Fucking. Song.

It’s like a spit on the face of all things musical. Every single song is a worse version of a song from a better musical.

Memory could just be any song from fucking Les Miserables (also directed by Tom Hooper).

Gus: The Theater Cats is something that sounds like something from Bridagoon or Hello Dolly.

Mr. Mistoffelees is something of The Greatest Showman tone.

Mungojerry and Rumpleteazer sounds like a duet cut from Aristocrats.

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats sounds like parody tones from La La Land.

It’s almost insulting how this film exists. There’s was supposed to be a animated film directed by Stephen Spielberg made in 1980 based on but it was fucked over and instead we got this horrifying insult to film, theater arts, and musicals. I’d be ashamed of myself to the point of hanging myself if I was ever credited in this films production.

Looking at the inside look for the film released by Universal Pictures just makes it worse. You have all these big name stars and all these amazing people whom are promising to give you this huge musical even based on a classic play not knowing what their in for. Its almost as if they just started asking actors “hey you owe me a favor, come do this one musical piece.”

Fuck Cats.

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